Do you find yourself not being able to assert yourself in work situations? At the risk of being “polite,” do you often let go of opportunities? Sorry to break it to you, but management jobs in California, the Middle East, the far East, or anywhere you dream to be, ask you to be exactly that: someone who can show impact and be assertive.
Many of us tend to be passive-aggressive to some extent. That is to say, that we use a mild form : “saying yes when we mean no,” according to Andrea Brandt, psychotherapist and author of “Mindful Anger.” A better approach is to be authentic and assertive. Assertiveness helps you communicate honestly, cultivate authentic relationships, better understand your own feelings, and get your needs met.
Behaviorally, assertiveness is exercised when an individual is capable of freely expressing his or her emotions, is able to defend his or her purposes or goals in general and specific situations, and can establish rewarding and fulfilling interpersonal relationships (Colter & Guerra, 1976; Herzberger, Chan, & Katz, 1984). Affectively and cognitively, assertive people are capable of expressing and reacting to positive and negative emotions without undue anxiety or aggression (Gladding, 1988).
Unfortunately, in many settings, assertiveness is either subtly or blatantly discouraged. “The hierarchy of many workplace cultures makes the direct expression of emotions risky for employers and employees alike,” said Signe Whiston, author of “The Angry Smile”. However, “direct, emotionally honest, assertive communication” is key.
Assertiveness entails having a strong sense of self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries, Brandt said. Assertive communication is clear, direct, has no hidden agenda and acknowledges the other person, she said.
It is the ability to express one’s feelings, opinions, beliefs and needs directly, openly and honestly, assert one’s rights whilst respecting the feelings and rights of another (Lloyd, 1998).
Being assertive should not be confused with being aggressive. It simply means being direct about what you need, want, feel, or believe in a way that’s respectful of the views of others.
It’s a communication skill that can reduce conflict, build self-confidence, and improve relationships in the workplace. Bud Bilanich, the author of “Climbing The Corporate Ladder” gives a good working definition of being assertive: “The important thing to do is to stand up for yourself in a manner that doesn’t trample on other people,” he says.
We offer you aspirants of management jobs in California some tips on being assertive:
1. Express your feelings: Don’t expect people to read your mind. You have to let people know what you need.
2. Take responsibility for your own problems:Assertive people understand that their problems are their own responsibility. If you see something that needs changing in your life, take action. If you’re not happy with something in your life, start taking steps to change things.
3. Set boundaries: Boundaries are rules and limits that you create for yourself, which guide and direct others as to what’s permissible behavior around you.
4. Use “I” statements: Stick with statements that include ‘I’ in them such as ‘I think’ or ‘I feel’. Don’t use aggressive language such as “you always” or “you never.”
5. Be humble and modest: Assertiveness and humility make a fine combination. Assertive people are remembered because they stand firm, their needs and interests are clear to others, and because they are reliable.
6. Agree to disagree. Remember that having a different point of view doesn’t mean you are right and the other person is wrong.
7. Avoid guilt trips: There’s no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing a need or want. You don’t have to justify/explain your opinion/choices.
8. Keep emotions in check: If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
9. Rehearse what you want to say: Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it down first, so you can practice from a script.
10. Be patient: Being assertive is a skill that needs time and takes practice. Talk in an assertive way in front of a mirror or with a friend. Pay attention to your body language as well as to the words you say. Remember that you will sometimes do better at it than at other times, but you can always learn from your mistakes.
